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crzymoshchic
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Name: Hannah
Location: Jackson, Michigan, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: I'm Hannah... but that doesn't mean much. I know that I genuinely would not be here, as in alive, right now without my Savior, Jesus Christ. "It was the most He could do to die for me... the least I can do is to live for Him" - to quote my air freshener. It's true. Why else would I live except to give my life back to Him, who enabled me to live anyway. I know the truth... "But if I say, I will not mention Him or speak anymore in His name, His word is in my heart like a fire... I am weary of holding it in, INDEED I CANNOT." (JEREMIAH 20:9) God is fulfillment- if you don't believe me I can only offer my own life and what others have said about their own lives- then you can decide based on our testimonies. God has helped me through stuff I never would have believed- hard stuff... but He also cares about the small stuff, Calculus problems and when I lock my keys in the car.
Expertise: .... not sleeping. music. energy drinks. coffee. teas. going to concerts... overanalyzing life..failure... and- an expert at learning the hard way.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Psychology Major
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  dying2liveforHIM
Member Since:
9/6/2004
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There are about 15 blog posts that I've started, saved to draft, and left linger in the dashboard screen- not yet ready to complete them. A lot has happened in the past two and a half months- physical, emotional, mental changes, some of which seemed to come out of nowhere with tremendous force. Life is full of pendulums. A friend of mine from high school recently said something that will stick with me:
Sin's first lie is not that something bad is good, but that something good can replace God.
About two weeks after Jason and I returned from our honeymoon, some family drama erupted, and hasn't really been quiet since. Not going into details, but I can say for 100% that I will never make fun of sitcoms for having unbelievable plot lines. Those kind of things DO happen to real people, and they CAN happen in that fast of a timeline. Heavy hitting stuff- the kind of permanent damage that splits families, isolates individuals, initiates serious soul searching, or the opposite of serious denial and running away. Stuff that has roots in sin lasting longer than 10 years.
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Seriously: These are now totally believable. Who knew? I wonder if they have real
people send in their tragic life stories for plot ideas.
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I'm someone who sees things in fairly black and white. Right and wrong. Unfortunately, that usually means I'm a judgmental jerk. How easy it is for me to focus on the cup half empty. Hence I am struggling, because:
Never before have I seen, so directly- the consequences of unwise choices.
Never before have I seen so obviously illustrated the power of sin, and that it truly leads to destruction.
Never have I been more convinced of how essential it is to hold people accountable, to ask the hard questions-to have people in your life who will ask you the hard questions. People who will follow up, invested in your life and desiring results. Being active instead of passive.
So knowing that these things are in fact, so important, and life changing, how do you both act in the love of Christ- being Christian charity, having mercy, and forgiveness, and yet truly valuing seeking the Lord, and what is glorying to Him?
Paul says in Romans that we should not sin that grace may abound- not taking advantage of the grace that Christ offers. Sin matters to God. Making the most of our time matters to God. Being wise matters. And far too often seeing the standard that the Lord has called us to, so that we may be worthy of His name- is fairly easily discerned.
One of my favorite books is The Best Question Ever. I read it perhaps my sophomore or junior year in high school, and since all the recent family drama have come back to reading it. It dramatically changed my life- causing me to examine how I approached every area of my life, and why I did so. It is why I can say I have had few regrets from finishing that book until now. Every regret, or mistake I have made-could have been avoided had I followed what I learned in that book.
The book simply elaborates on one of my favorite passages of Scripture, Ephesians 5:16-17.
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
The best question ever is this: What is the wise thing to do?
So many people plan their lives, with goals, ambitions- we all have some idea of what we want our lives to amount to. But too often people get trapped in relationships, debt, and sins- because they didn't plan not to.
Relationships are probably the easiest area to see the consequences of unwise choices. Everyone has seen it. Guy meets girl, there is attraction, but some underlying issues where it's fairly obvious that A- no sort of relationship should be pursued, B- they should wait to pursue a relationship. For any number of reasons- one isn't single, one has some sort of personal drama or growth needed, etc. For Christians a reason would be if one is not a believer.
But how does it play out? If there is no plan to NOT fall into deeper attraction, or deeper emotional involvement, then our hearts lead us astray. Our spare moments seem to be always around the other person, and sooner or later, we realize we crossed a line somewhere.
Fill in the same scenario with whatever you wish; pride, drugs, alcohol, jobs, etc. It's why so often people who hang out with people with bad habits pick up and incorporate those same habits. The point remains the same- choices matter, and small choices add up pretty fast. The way to best get where you want to be and avoid where you don't is to plan and live with wisdom.
People who are serious about becoming a better person, by any standard- or also a better Christian, pay attention to who they spend their time with. They seek out people of integrity, and make an earnest attempt to examine their own lives.
I'd rather have friends who are concerned with the living with wisdom, both in their lives and in mine. I married a man who won't let me get away with things, and who listens to me when I call him out as well.
Relationships are an essential part of human life. They are some of the most influential aspects as well. Keeping close watch on who you allow to influence you is incredibly worthwhile.
I don't usually end these things with a question- I'd rather treat a blog as my own personal venue for sharing things I've learned- the hard way or the easy way, but to any who may read this, I'd greatly appreciate your input.
would you share any advise? For living with wisdom, for holding yourself to a godly standard, and also for how to handle the balance of holding others to standards but doing so out of love? How to not get discouraged? how to encourage? how to not be judgmental?
*Xanga readers, do me a favor and post on my blogger site?
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| So, I did start blogging again. However, I decided to use Blogger, so... I'll try to copy and paste my posts over here, but until I actually do that, here's my new blog.
http://dyingtoliveforhim.blogspot.com/ | | |
| update about trip up to Alaska and current everythings going on...
coming soon. | | |
| So close!
In a week and two days... the 12th- I leave for the biggest adventure yet. I'm driving 4,823 miles from Michigan across to Seattle to Anchorage, Alaska.
So... that's my upcoming excitement. I'm overjoyed to drive across and up this magnificent place- to camp and to enjoy places like Alaska for the summer :)
More to come. I spent the day looking over my itinerary and hoping I have enough money to make it there...
:)
I really need to get away from college. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to go to a liberal arts college- or if I just bought into the idea because it seemed at the time, to fit my idea of myself- as an intellectual. Apparently it's taken having my face handed to me by the "academically challenging" Hillsdale College (now upon further cross-reviews has academic rigors compared to all the Ivy League Universities) to realize that God is refining me further in the area that I cannot define myself on my own terms.
Our country, our society really buys into this idea of self-definition. It's the latest thing- redefining yourself- finding who you are, self-image, self-esteem, etc.
My thesis is due on Monday morning. 9am. It's been fascinating- on the variables of religious affiliation, religious motivation, and then the constructs of individualism/collectivism.
I'm such an independent person- fiercely so. The worst thing I can imagine is to be mediocre- to be average. I can't fathom ever accepting such a position or place- and my studies have made me realize that the only thing that tempers my independence is my faith. Thank heavens.
It's always time to recollect who you are and why you think that's an image that's valuable.
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| So this is what it’s like… every college student’s nightmare.
You’ve been there. It’s almost real for you. You’ve played this over and over, and possibly contemplated what it would be like- but never, ever, thought that this could be real. It’s worse than the dream of coming to class without pants.
Walking into class, taking your normal seat, noting who is there and who is not, chatting to someone as you walk in… and then you see them. You see the stack of bluebooks on the front desk- and realize you have an exam that class period, and had no earthly idea. The professor asks for any final questions, and then gives an exam that you are not in any way shape or form prepared for.
Thus happened to me this morning. I don’t know how to react even- I’m in shock, I’m ill, I’m in anguish, I’m cold to it, I’m ready to shrug it off and yet ready to go find a nice quiet corner and softly cry for hours. The truth of my own irresponsibility is the reaction of looking in the mirror and seeing a decaying soul- someone covered in filth and in stages of death, being eaten by worms and bacteria. I focused on everything else, assuming that because this was a lower level class that I could do just fine without paying much attention to it. I’m taking over 18 credits this semester, and focusing on my psychology thesis… and thus neglected this class. To my demise…
Of course once I walked in I had the flood of all the ways this could have been avoided- the giant ‘should have been’s’ and the hope that I rejected. And there’s 2 class meetings left for this one now.. what do you even do. I don’t know. I can’t focus well now… I honestly feel like this is close to what it would be like to reject and therefore repress an experience- sigh. I need to think more about this, but I can’t and don’t want to. I just want to cry when I do, and so my mind wants to avoid it- but at the same time it knows there’s something important I need to deal with.
So I’m in between classes and still have a busy day ahead of me. I’ve one more class, then voice lesson, then a thesis meeting, and then an honorary meeting, and then finally work till 11pm. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m disappointed more than anything. I do and I don’t want to be around people- and I just want to leave my college.
I want to get away from everything and everyone. And...counting down the days (20days)- I will. I’ll get in my car and drive 5000 miles to a place of beauty and easily attainable solace, and far from all things and people of Hillsdale.
I’m frustrated and I feel lost. I’m going to keep telling myself just to keep going… to keep moving… to make it through the rest of the day- but I just want to… hide. Yeah… I just want to hide.
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